Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Joyous Birthday

Today is her birthday and while I wish I was still an important figure in her life, all I can do is sit on the sideline and watch as I'm not. Nonetheless, it doesn't help that I still speak to her through emails and other ways because none of it changes the emotions I feel. Therefore I am done with it all and now I just have to engulf my life with the Lord more than ever because that's the only way I find peace from the storm. Still I hope they have a joyous birthday.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Its Hard to Be Nice

Whatever happened to simply a thank you for doing a good deed or something nice. I know I shouldn't expect it and I am just started not to but as I go forward in my search to figure out love, I had to address how hard it is to be nice because the more nice I am, the more my niceness is taken as weakness. Nonetheless, it is what I have come to expect when I do something nice now. I just do a nice thing now and I don't expect a simple thank you any more because we have truly taken it for granted as a people and the person who I still have feelings for has definitely taken it for granted. Therefore I am looking at it her and everything she's doing and all I can do is tell her thank you for showing me yet again how far the world has truly lost its way.

It might be hard to be nice but I am not going to allow that to stop me from being nice to any and everyone I meet regardless if I get a thank or not from others.

My Past Doesn't Determine My Future

Far too many people think that their past determines their future but the reality is that it only determines one's future if one allows it. While the past may determine one's present and one's present may determine one's future. One's past cannot determine one's future unless one allows it. That is why one cannot allow their past mistakes to hinder their future in terms of love unless they allow it too. I refuse to allow my past to used against me because I am not the person I used to be and God knows it. Therefore my past will determine my future without me having something to do about it in the present.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Gospel of Second Chances

Today, I heard the most profound spiritual message I have received from my pastor and that is God gives all of second chances and thirds, fourths, etc. However the gospel of second chances is Mark 16:7. God still puts his name on the invitation despite all the slip ups and mess ups that we experience. Therefore it is clear to me that now more than ever that God has given me more than a second chance at life. I've been given many chances which is why I don't a second chance from God, I need another chance because I've had so many chances already.

The level of my mess up is not important to God as much as my condition is after I've messed up. God looks at our heart and knows our heart although our heart is unstable and the condition of our heart after our mess up is what God is looking to. Therefore I know that this is another chance for me to get things right in my life and I finally feel, no I know that I am getting right this way around. I am being good and I am doing good not because I expect something but because this is who I truly am.

I am not denying the Lord any more, I am accepting him and I am glad that God has been with me through all my mess ups and slip ups because without the Lord, I don't know where I would be or who I would be. This is my chance to make things right with not myself but with my Lord and Savior. This is my chance to live up to my Godly potential that the Lord gave me. It has been a long road coming but it is a road I was expected to go on, along time ago. Thus my path to figuring out the meaning of love is getting much clearer.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


I am just getting in from hanging with some Tennessee State University alumni and I realized how much I am lonely in terms of everyone literally there was booed up except for me and a couple of others. However seeing the TSU relationships made me want to have what they had but I quickly reminded myself that I am not alone in this journey. My loneliness is a state of mind and not a state of being. In fact it is not even a state of mind and that is why I refuse to give in and submit. So the Lord is with me and I should never feel alone no matter what emotional feelings I am having.

Friday, August 27, 2010

No Going Back

When Dorothy said, it's no place like home, I know exactly how she felt but for me its no going back to where I used to and to who I used have feelings for. Tonight's conversation sealed the deal for me that I am only living for God and country. I do everything for my Lord and for my country.

Baby Emotions

Today as I set in the office of my National Guard recruiter, I begin to wonder how would my life be remembered if I had no kids to pass on my loins to. In fact, the emotions of having a kid didn't just start today but it started the day before. However, I know of no one who is willing to give me a child. That's why it is hard enough trying to figure out the meaning of love but now my thoughts of having a baby to live behind a legacy beyond just service and good deeds is the one thing that will perhaps escape me. Nonetheless, I have emotions for a kid and perhaps the emotions will subdue once I am off in the field of battle.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


I told her I miss her and I still have feelings for her but all I got was an okay. So despite my feelings and the fact I miss her, I know that I can never have her. I know that its over and that figuring out love will not be easy one bit. Still my feelings can't change but I know it isn't love but it was close to it. The only reason it was not love is because I don't know what love is and I don't know what to do about it. Therefore I just to live with what is taking place and get more engraved in my religion because that is what will carry me to the end.

I'm Talking to Myself

When it comes to this love thing that's how I feel sometimes. I feel like I am talking to myself and I am just trying to figure the meaning of love. I am going through tons of growing pains but I know God is with me trying to help me figure it all. I might be talking to myself to the outside world but I am actually talking to God because I'm crying out for help and only God to help me deal with the pains of my heart. I'm not crazy because I'm talking to myself because I know I am actually talking to God and I know God is leading me in the right direction so I can find peace.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Yesterday at Bible Study, the word forgiveness was the theme and it made me think to myself about why I started this blog. A part of the reason why this blog was started was find forgiveness within myself and correct the mistakes I made in regards to relationships and love. So with that said, I am leaning heavier on the Lord to forgive me and to show his will of love because love comes from God and forgiveness is a part of God's love for us. Therefore when people ask to be forgiven for something, it is suppose to wipe away a person's sins and misdeeds meaning never to bring it up again.

However we as human beings might say we forgive someone but we don't forget. However God shows us that you can't forgive someone without forgetting because when you forgive, you forget a person's past deeds. Forgiveness erases all memory of a person's past and gives them a clean slate that is why forgiveness is a cornerstone to building relationships and mending fences. I know I have accepted forgiveness in my life from God and have sought forgiveness from the person I still have feelings for. Still I know God has forgiven me but the person I still have feelings for has not forgiven me meaning they will not forget which is exactly what I expected because that's just how they are.

Nonetheless, I am stronger as a result of God's forgiveness which is why I am now seeking God's meaning of love everyday of my life and why I am writing this blog.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

No Intimacy due to Social Networking

Today is quote unquote national Facebook fast day which was created by a Houston couple who believes that social networking sites particularly Facebook is taking time away from couples to become more intimate and endearing to each other. As I listened to the news story on MSNBC, I quickly realized that the couple has a point. For nearly 6 or more months I have barely been on Facebook while all my friends and associates cling to it daily. Constantly gossiping and putting all their business out there because they want the world to know every little detail.

In fact, I have seen people get mad at other people Facebook photos or statuses and all I can say is why. Nonetheless as I try to figure out the meaning of love, I believe that intimacy to any relationship is very important. Social networking sites can't replace the need to be wanted and no matter how much people deny it, they are wanting to be wanted which is why they turn to Facebook. People want to be accepted and approved of which is why they turn to social networking sites. Now there are some people who use Facebook simply to promote their company, a cause, etc. but half or more of the people on Facebook are simply on there to fill a void in there lives.

Thus the need to be intimate in a relationship is being replaced with social networking sites but it is only making relationships more difficult to have. In fact a good relationship needs intimacy to survive meaning to do things with each other that is just the two of them doing it and there are no distractions or technology involved unless it is watching a movie on TV or a DVD. This is why if I am to move forward, I must not allow social networking sites to hinder what I can have in my life. Using social networking sites for more than what they should be is not worth the time.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Airplanes & Wishes

I wish was on an airplane right now heading to go see the one I still care for. I wish I could wish her here but I can't. I could really use a wish right now but I know that all I could do is pray and I know God will answer my prays for me. I know it seemed like yesterday that all of it was just a dream but those days are gone and times have changed so I'm alone trying to figure out the meaning love so I can be a better person. Still I could really use a wish right now and I wish I could pretend that it all didn't happen but it did and now I'm stuck wishing that I was with her but I know God has a plan for me so all I can do is pray that all goes back to how it used to be.


Lyfe Jennings drops his official music video for his controversial yet educational new single "Statistics". "Statistics" is dedicated to single women looking for love, and was inspired by Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man".

Lyfe Jennings' new album "I Still Believe" available August 31st 2010!

Lyfe Jennings wrong this for single women looking for love but the man he is describing in this song is the man I am trying to get rid of out of my life because I have been abusive to woman mentally, emotionally, and spiritually but lately physically which is why I am working on getting help. I didn't hit the girl I feel so much for but at the rate I was going it is possible that I could have so I am just trying to get rid of my attitude and my old ways so I won't be another statistic. Nonetheless, Lyfe Jennings is right on and I hope the girl I still have emotions and feelings for doesn't become another statistic because she deserves so much more and I wish her nothing but the best.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I Miss You!

Its easy to tell someone you miss them but the reality is that is it worth it when you know that missing them will not lead them back into your life. Missing them will not make it easy for you to move on and will only make things tougher for you in terms of accepting what has taken place between the two of you. That's why trying to figure out the meaning of love isn't easy when you still miss someone and everything around you constantly remind you of them. It can be easy to forget why I am here and why I am trying to move on but I knew when I started this, it wouldn't be easy. Moving on from the one I still miss and have feelings for is hard. A part of me still wants them and wants them in my life but I don't know if that is what suppose to happen or am I being set up to repeat the mistakes I have previously made.

I don't know if I am ready to accept them back because I have not become the person I need to be yet. Therefore I have to wait and watch to see what happens but for now I know I miss them and I hope they miss me but is missing someone enough to rekindle a flame, perhaps now but it is the beginning to realizing the mistakes that were made in order to correct the future of what can be. At least that is my thought on the matter but I can be wrong.

Lauryn Hill - Can't Take My Eyes Off of You

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Cold Case Love

"The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?" --Jeremiah 17:9

This is why I can't trust my heart in this matter of trying to figure out love because the heart is vulnerable to deception and lies. Thus I know that with my heart being sick, I can't trust it right now and probably should have never trusted it even if I thought I did trust it. So I'm in a cold case of love with my heart where I have to abandon it and leave it right where it should be left which is not to be trusted.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Making Progress

Yesterday, I saw my patience tested as well as my will to listen to the voice of calmness. I am making progression toward understanding exactly what love is and is not. Love is not anger. Love is forgiveness and love is not blaming. Therefore today I saw myself deal with all of that and that's how I know a little bit of what love is and isn't. God spoke through me and used me today like never today. Love is steady and strong, never changing always on time. I saw this in what I was doing and that's why I am thankful for the Lord working through me tonight. I'm very grateful for it. So I am making strong progress toward living up to my pledge for a new and better me.


So much of what I thought I wanted is now no longer what I want especially food. Food just isn't what it used to be. In fact it is tasteless and I am unfilled by it all. I'm finding myself not eating at all as if I have lost a deep part of me that I used to adore. I have become numb to things that tasted so sweet and to things that I used to enjoy. Therefore my taste buds are nowhere right now but I must recapture them. This is how I know that this journey to discovering the meaning of love is one that won't be easy but it must happen.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Point of No Return

In my search to understand the meaning love, I have quickly realized that I must do what I have to do to make things right regardless if it is accepted or not. I must amend my wrongs to make things in my life right for me so that I can gain a greater meaning of what is in store for me.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Seeking Help

Today I decided to get some professional help regarding this issue so I signed up to meet with a counselor regarding this very issue in my life. In fact, I am in the process of realizing that the love I have wanted over the years has avoided me because I needed help with dealing with some of the issues plaguing me in life. I don't want to be bitter about anything in my past but I do want to find a new meaning and purpose for my life which is why I am seeking professional help not to just understand the real meaning of love but to understand why love has escaped me.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Listening to the Right People and Voices

In my pursuit of figuring out the meaning of love, I have to listen to God more and less to people who don't have my best interest at heart yet alone the best intentions for what's ahead for me. This is why I must seek the right voices of people who will guide me to figuring out love and where I need to be. This is why listening is so important in my journey and I need to find my way to the right people and voices that will guide me as I move closer and closer to where I need to be in my pursuit of love.

Finding Forgiveness

In order for me to find the true meaning of love, I had to find the true meaning of forgiveness. I had to forgive myself for my own actions in my pursuit of love. Therefore I went on my journey to find forgiveness and in the midst of it, I got closer to understanding that I have to repay all those who have done wrong too especially the one that I let get away.

I'm lost without her but I'm found without her as well. I now understand more now than ever that she never cared or loved me when its easy for her to fall in the arms of others. Despite all of that, I forgive her and I am happy to move on with my journey toward figuring out love. I know this journey won't be easy and even listening to others will not be right if those I listen to are not in their right mind to begin with in terms of where I am trying to be.

At the same time, I do know that I can't council myself either and I must seek the Lord on every issue if I am to find the meaning of love which God knows and has the answer to. God is love and love is God but I must find it to be right with who I am.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A Light is Shining

Its incredible how a light inside of me is now shining like never before. In fact this light is shining because of what I heard in class tonight regarding how one's blessing in life is tied to other people. Also that means that one's sin is tied to someone as well. Therefore it makes me wonder is my blessing in terms of trying to figure out the meaning of love tied to someone else and could it be my sin as well as my blessing is tied to the same person since I only began to realize my sinful ways because of the person who I saw a future with.

Now at the same time, my actions and my sins as well as devilish ways got worse because of that same person as well which resulted in my dualism with sin at times when it came to making the right decision but I did the wrong thing out of anger created by that person. Therefore as I try to figure out love, I see a light shining down on me that is powerful and revealing things to me to confirm what I was already thinking. That's why I know that I am getting the much needed information I need to figure out the meaning of love.

Change is Never Too Late

No one said change would be easy just like saying I'm sorry is never too late. However when it comes to love and figuring it out, change is very difficult to accept or disapprove of. Even when people think one thing about you, it is hard to change that image no matter how horrible or good you act that image becomes engraved in some people's heads. For me though, I've realized that despite the images people have seen of you, they know where your heart truly is. People know where your heart is and people know know who the real you are regardless of what you face or what you go through. That's why I know that I'm changing and the change that is taking place inside of me is a great change that will lead me in the right direction to figuring out the meaning of love.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Making the Call

I found myself trying to reach out to the one I want to be with. However all my phone calls got ignored and finally I decided to leave a message because I really want to talk to them. I want to apologize to her and hopefully gain the friendship that I used to have with her. I wish that I could speak to her because I truly regret all that I did to hear and as I've told my boys, a part of me still yearns for her and wants her. Thus I find myself wondering where did it all go wrong in this thing called love.

Well its easy for me to answer after attending church today. For starters, I didn't leave all the problems in God's hands and secondly I didn't trust the bible which is the word of God. If only I had put all the problems of the relationship with her with God than perhaps we would not have fought as much and perhaps we would not have fallen apart the way we did. I failed myself by not listening to my savior and I became my own worst enemy by trying to handle things on my own when in reality I was never on my own. That's why now I am trying to figure out the meaning of love because I still yearn for the one I believe was everything for me but as my friend stated, we both got scared.

However I don't think we got scared, I think we lost our way as I was trying to find my way in Christ like never before. Now I'm alone trying to figure it all out and she's off trying to forget me altogether which is killing me to know.

Marriage Bells

A female I went to college with recently told me that she got proposed to and my reaction to that was congratulations. However it made me think, what have I done. Shouldn't I be engaged by now. Well actually I was but I was too young at that time and I know I didn't understand what love really was back than which is why I blogging now.

Still I find myself thinking that perhaps the one I was suppose to be engaged to and married to, it might not never happen because a part of me wants to be with someone that I know I can't be with anymore. Thus, all I can do right now is just wish upon a star and a dream that I will figure out the meaning of love but this process is a day to day thing.

Wishing On A Star

Saturday, August 14, 2010


Mya-Never Gonna Let You

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I used to think that the feelings I had for someone I could never let go and the feelings they had for me could never be let go. In a way I am right because even as I write this, I still have feelings for  the one I thought I loved. However I don't know what love really is and that is why I am trying to make sense of it all because we all need love in lives. So I figure if I write my feelings out than perhaps I can figure out where and how it all went wrong.

Missing Out!

Perhaps I have missed out on love but all I know is that I don't really know what love is but I know that I miss a special young lady dearly. I know if she was special to me why did I mess over her and why did she mess over me. The reality is that neither one of us understood what love was and what love could be. So with that said,  I now have to live with the fact that I lost a good friend who perhaps knows more about me than my best male friends. In fact, the information she has on me could completely ruin me for the rest of my life but that is the risk I took when confiding in her my deepest secrets and giving her information that I have never gave to others. So if I missed out on love than that is something that I have to deal with as I try to figure out what the meaning of love is because for 24 years I never knew.

Now however, I must live with what happened and I only wish nothing but the best for the love I thought I knew but really didn't.